I'm laying on my couch with the AC on. It's been a week of nearly or over 100 degree weather in Los Angeles. I come from a more temperate or colder part of the world (depending on the time of year) and don't have the stamina for this sort of thing. I have also had a fairly mellow week after what seemed like a long string of weekday and weekend work and play. I've been catching up on the little things that had taken a backseat in the fray. But now the laundry is washed and folded, the musical projects have been mostly completed and the fit client is in the middle of trade shows, time is moving slower.
This is not a complaint, merely an observation. I'm lucky to have the time to rest, reboot and re-engage with the people and things that mean the most to me. I do still have a nagging desire to do more. What is this more? Is it making more music for the EP? Is it finding more acting gigs? Is it playing more live shows? Is it more fit time or clients to earn more money? Is it more work on myself? (I can say for sure that it SHOULD be that.) I don't know. It could be more nights of sleep that are uninterrupted by mewling cats or toddler requests to turn the stars back on, but even those have their beauty.
I don't know what the more is or if I'm even craving it all the time. I guess I just notice it more when there's less to do. Focused writers and artists know how to use that time to make things, instead of burn online hours on social media or mindless wandering in grocery stores or malls. Sometimes I'm one of those focused people and sometimes I'm one of those tuned out humanoids looking for distraction. I'm trying to find the peace in the imperfection.
So, my biggest projects of late are the Angelenos EP and the epic wins and fails of raising an amazing little girl. Both are very important to me, the latter has obvious long-term ramifications. Some might argue that I shouldn't even group the two together, but honestly, I'm just being real about it. I love the music I've been working on with Tim Lefebvre and Gary Novak. I think it's good and true and maybe some of my best work. I also think the two biggest things in my life are interrelated, i.e. I couldn't make this music had I not had R in the first place. I had to move to LA. I had to buy that lady's amp and midi keyboard. I had to teach myself Logic Pro and begin writing synth based songs. Most importantly, I had to transform from my individual self to my partner-mother-artist self. It hasn't been easy. It's been awesome at times and gut-wrenching at others. They say, you sign up for that when you have a child, though you either don't believe them (relying on your invincibility skills of past days) or you can't understand the scope of the job.
Beyond my music and my child, I've been working on me. I've re-engaged with working out both in yoga and Pop Physique a few times a week. I've also sought out yoga classes that contain a meditation component to help internally balance me. The Supermoon last month also brought up some interesting insights on some unresolved relationships in my past. I had a few "ah-ha" moments that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. Sometimes I wonder if I need to tell those people my observations or if I simply embrace them and move forward to new connections keeping the insights in mind as I move forward. I know it's vague, but I'm trying to protect identities with this point.
But let's back up to Riley again, she's three years old now. That went fast. Well, it feels that way looking back, but wasn't while going through it. She's always been a smart, funny, precocious, joyful girl with her finger on the rage trigger at the point of a frustrating moment. She's volatile and strong and tender. She's creative and imaginative and artistic and musical, as much as she's a loud screamer, a "throw things across the room when frustrated" fighter, and a master of not going to bed on time. It can be very irritating to live through those moments feeling manipulated and not fight back, or if you get into it, how to get to the other side after the emotions have calmed down without the guilt of being a "terrible mother." I spent several hours in an emotional mess a few weeks back after R and I had it out yelling across the house about throwing toys when angry. Then as we're talking through how each of us felt and coming to resolution, Papa gets home and she instantly forgets about the entire event. I don't recover that quickly. I'm crying on the floor of the kitchen, and B gets her best lovely self to hang out with after he gets home from work. And that's just one day in the life... all moms of spirited children understand this.
On the other side of the coin, she's in school now and she's growing more every day. We now have real conversations. In fact, last night, I was apologizing for losing my cool earlier in the day and asked if she noticed. She said, "Yeah, I did." But after an apology on my part and a hug, she said to me, "And Mama, I want to apologize for throwing my things onto the floor." It came unprompted. We weren't even discussing an instance where that played a part. I was very impressed by her memory and her honesty. It made me proud to be her mother. She says things like that a lot.
So, there's a quiet in the house. The cat naps beside me. I watch the traffic on the Glendale Freeway from my living room window. I still have time, even after writing this blog and taking a 30 minute catch-up phone call from an old friend. I think I'm going to do something with that time. Maybe not MORE. I don't know what it is yet, but wish me luck, I'm hoping it's unexpected.